Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
You have my word
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Your pupils; they dilate.
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A witch is waiting for me at home
me and my recliner go way back.
Me: That makes two of us.
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
But I didn't think it would register.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Remove the p
To get to the other side!
I'm finally above average for something
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
He's all right now.
Then I know it will never come for me
He keeps a log.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
Because they're calf price
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."