I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
Could throw in 1 cm3 too.
Kill in army good video games bad
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
They just don’t understand
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
From a friend’s mom on Instagram. Gotta love the hashtags.
Only in America…
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Just found this on my desktop from years ago, not sure if OC
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Game Project Lead
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
6:30 is the best time on the clock
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
He’s not wrong
Hope this offends some boomers
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Or Thomas2, or newThomas, or otherThomas…
Is a non-prophet organization
Every student coder ever.
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
Brought to you by google drive
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Land Free Toilet Lickers”
Facts over feelings
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
It always works™
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
Wi-fi = life
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
flakey piles of goodness
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
How many times?
I love this comics
first boomer??? now karen??? whats next?
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
Hits too close to home 😬
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
Everybody gangsta till the eucaryote enslaved you
Where were the first French fries made?
Maths always a hurdle…
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
404 not found
Apt-get remove top
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK