Autumn
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
Veganism is like Communism..
They are both fine, unless you like food.
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy – "It's dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." Man – Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy – "$750." Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".