aw
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )
Windows : Please enter your new password. User : cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User : boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character. User : 1 boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces. User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters. User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character. User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
