Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”
We get it man she’s underage
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith