Awwhahaha
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
We were eating lunch…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.