She seemed surprised
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
He had a vowel movement.
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
but with extra steps!
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
A white horse fell in the mud
Their words, not mine.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
Because all the fans left.
It's Pretty Nuts.
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
It was a real slap in the faith…
Now it’s a Ford Focus
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
By keeping the first one going
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
its called Plagiarism
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
A garbage truck.