B B BUT HER EMAILS!
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
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Whatโs the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the otherโs a yeeted ham.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
Hey Atheists! If God isnโt real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didnโt have sex?
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
I donโt often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sรฌ" "Ja"
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner theyโre hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says โwatch thisโ. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells โstop!โ, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says โyou wanna try?โ โSureโ Trump says, โbut donโt smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurtsโ.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
โDad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?โ
โNope. Itโs as easy as 1,1,2,3.โ
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just donโt see it.