B oomE r
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality GERMAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVGRclcGnsY&t=22s
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
Uh oh-Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know, he ransomware
