Ba-dum tsssssss
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
I told my wife I’ll never vaccinate our kids
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"