Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
