Baby genitalia, am I right?
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
