Back at it again with the Skyrim Level ups
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
What does a house wear?
Address
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
You can’t plant any flowers
if you haven’t botany
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.