Back in my days we were realy abused by our parents. Not like these damm snowflake kids today who grow up without being abused.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!