Bad all the way around
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind š Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up š
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
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Whatās the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
My fatherās name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word āapparentlyā, he would interrupt to shout āA Son Riley!ā
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
My son asked ādaddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?ā
āno, son, I was born with it.ā
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, āI clocked you at 120 km/h sir.ā The driver says, āChrist, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.ā Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, āNow donāt be silly dear, you know that this car doesnāt have cruise control.ā As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, āCanāt you please keep your mouth shut for once?ā The wife smiles demurely and says, āYou should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.ā As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, āFk it woman, canāt you keep your mouth shut?ā The officer frowns and says, āAnd I notice that youāre not wearing your seat belt sir. Thatās an automatic $75 fine.ā The driver says, āYeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.ā The wife says, āNow dear, you know very well that you didnāt have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youāre driving.ā And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, āWHY DONāT YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, āDoes your husband always talk to you this way Maāam?ā The Wife replies, āOnly when heās drunk.ā
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period itās from.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
Itās really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
Everything you need to know about Australia
I REALLY hope these are true These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do… __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
I was walking through a quarryā¦
I said to the foreman, āThat sure is a big rock!ā āBoulder,ā he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest andĀ shouted,Ā āTHAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!ā
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
Thatās just how I roll.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it