A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
They both have to pass the bar.
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Edit: Thanks for the likes
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
and on the other, your left.
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
I have fortitude.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
Last time I got a hole in one
I can do it with my eyes closed!
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
Because dogs can't whistle!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
It’s pretty nuts.
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”