Bad Boi
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
