Bad boob
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.” Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.” The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.” The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?” Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.” In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?” Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’” Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
