Bajongles mawroshhhhh
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together. "Is this your first child?" says the older woman. "No," says the younger woman. "I have another." "I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace." "Oh, how nice." Said the young woman. "After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it." "Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman. "So, what has your husband gotten you?" "Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school." "Is that so?" "Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer