bAMbOoZLEd AgAiN
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her ”throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.