bAMbOoZLEd AgAiN
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.