BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
