BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airlineβ¦
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where itβs feared staff may get a raw deal.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. Youβve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, weβd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and weβre afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. Iβm sorry…we canβt hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Iβll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "thatβs all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? Iβm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Knock Knock
Whoβs there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinβ they hatinβ
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
My teachers said I couldnβt do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far Iβve made two bowls and a vase.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, βFine. Suit yourself.β
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
My Buddhist friend just gave me a βNirvanaβ scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
