I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
This is just so wrong…
Elon Bad, Staying On Earth To Die Good
when sketchy imitates life
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
Ah phones bad (from Facebook)
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
Go fund me? Sounds like socialism without the middleman!
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
An interesting facebook gem
A picture is worth a thousand words
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
I think I’m in trouble!
Ride with me,ride with me🇨🇦
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
That Could be a Problem for All of Us
Women are way to emotional.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Global warming fake
Mitosis is lit
I feel bad for this guy. He didn’t get his drink.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Where do sasquatches live?
Imagine being this lame
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
If someone like this exists, they should have a statue made for them
What is recursion? [OC]
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Based on a true story
Wonderful news ..😰
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
When will Biden disavow these toxic supporters?
I feel alone
Found this in some sourcecode for an extension I use
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
Sad but true.
Instagram vs Reality
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
No text found
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
The logic of Cruz and religion
When the only one saying this is your wifi
Me treating warnings be like:
Dystopian future is already here
I was close except for the pandemic on my bingo card.
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
JAKE TAPPER FROM THE TOP ROPE