Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller:
Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE?
Teller:
Bank Robber: ANSWER ME!
Penn: He always does this
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
