Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller:
Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE?
Teller:
Bank Robber: ANSWER ME!
Penn: He always does this
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
I was applying for Australian citizenship.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"