Based on a globally omnipresent story
But math puns make me feel number
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
It left a ro-dent
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
…the guy knew how to make a point.
For Hispanic attacks
Because they like to beat the crowd.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It nuts and bolts
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Eventually I folded
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Now I want to break three.
1. 2. 3.
My family takes monopoly too seriously
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.