I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…