A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.