Based on Kurzgesagt’s latest video
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..