Bathroom Boomer Humor
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”