A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"