Be careful to not burst your bubble.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."