Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.