Be honest, you only care about her hole
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.