Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
It sings and drives
John Travolvo
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh