Be very ashamed
Which I really didn't appreciate.
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
Even the cake was in tiers
Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk. Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all. So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all. And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?" And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink! The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
Except Chris Brown
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
But now I stand corrected
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
"Silence of the Lambs"
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Between you and me, something smells.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
When it becomes fully groan.
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.