Bear with me for a bit but “to fish” means to hunt fish right, then “to bear” must mean to hunt bears?
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
A clean joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Welcome to /r/CleanJokes! I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
Clean joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7chttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97https://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
Mod Apps and Memeless Mondays
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.