Beat the Nazi!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I canโt believe what this world is coming to.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursomeโฆ
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesnโt believe in himself
Warning, this is a huge spoiler
https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0699/6735/products/mini-wing-spoiler_copy_x1400.jpg?v=1508404270
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and thereโs a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. Heโs been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesnโt have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. โOh my, I am so sorry,โ she says as she pops her eye back into place. โLet me buy your dinner to make it up to you.โ So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He canโt believe his luck. โYou know,โ he said, โyou are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?โ โNo,โ she replies, โYou just happened to catch my eye.โ
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what Iโm trying to say is that Iโm pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
Teacher : โAlright who can name a flammable material?โ
Jewish Kid : โME! ME! ME!โ Teacher : โOkay what else?โ
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
The other day I told a girl, โYou look great without glasses.โ
Girl: โI donโt wear glasses.โ Me, while polishing my lenses: โNo, but I do.โ
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him canโt believe what he just saw. Heโs more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, โHow did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and weโre hundreds of feet above the ground!โ The jumper responds by slurring, โWell, I donโt get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.โ He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnโt slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. โYouโre really an a**hole when youโre drunk, Superman.โ
Whatโs the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
Whatโs the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You donโt have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. โYou know, you donโt have to order these all at once – Iโm happy to make them fresh,โ says the bartender. โOh no, ya see,โ replies the Irishman, โthe extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like weโre drinkin together,โ and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartenderโs heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. โIm so sorry,โ he says, โdid one of your brothers pass?โ โOf course not, theyโre fine!โ says the Irishman, โIโve just quit drinkin!โ
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."