Because allergies and intolerances make you a panzy
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
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I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.