Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
I am so sorry reddit . . .
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."