Because bossing your wife around is funny… Am I right boomers?
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
Whatβs the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
Iβve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driverβs license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, βMaβam, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?β She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. βJesus, lady,β says the cop. βWhat are you so afraid of?β The old lady looks him in the eye and says, βNot a fucking thing.β
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldnβt help but think to myself…
βHeβs giving me a good run for my money.β
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, βDonβt cry over skilled milf.β
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. βPardon me, sir,β the mailman says, βbut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itβs only going to end up back at your home in a few days.β βAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againβ replies the Buddhist monk. βBut sir,β says mailman, βyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.β βBut that is my intention, dear man,β replies the Buddhist monk. βYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.β
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, βHow can I help you?β βI am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?β With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, βWhat can I do for you?β βI am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?β Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, βI know, youβre the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?β βDriverβs license and registration please.β
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
Itβs just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but Iβm not impressed.
Iβve had a Canon printer for years.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable