Because husbands are pigs
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
They always tried their best
They always tried their best
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
What does a house wear?
Address
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.