Because if you didn’t laugh the first time, maybe repetition will get ya
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
What a coincidence
What a coincidence
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
I never say curse words
I swear
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.