Because of those dang phone’s
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…