Because saving lives costs too much money…
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.