Because science
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"