Bed Rock
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living…
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.