Bee Sting
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
My mom used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid and insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it…
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth…
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.