Been building a quarantine stash since January. Wife stopped telling me I over-reacted this week. I’m not as happy about being right as I thought I would be….
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.