Beer me another beer
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.