He doesn't like to be spotted.
I just can't think of one atm
“I don’t know we never measure it”
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
He won the no-bell prize.
Now I am at the hospital.
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
Two thousand and eighteen.
I thought, how dairy
So I pushed her over.
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Dad: No whey
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
A tea toddler
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
He had a hunch