Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”
The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”
The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”
When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!”
The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I hope nobody takes a fence.
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Remains to be seen.
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
A gummy bear
Being homeschooled sucks.
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
But it’s definitely up there.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
They would call it crucifact.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
But the star was Patrick